so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
