My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
