Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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