I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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