my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She bit a glass in half.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
