i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
