I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
