i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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