Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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