I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Me too!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
