I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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