When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
