It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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