Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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