I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Vodka?
Forever.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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