just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
