but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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