Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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