I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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