That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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