i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
