Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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