I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
