I wish I could punch you in the face.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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