So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
