Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
