I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
