I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
