i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
accomplished twins. life is a go
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
