so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
