I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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