i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
