I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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