i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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