If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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