tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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