you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
