That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
