alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
