went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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