I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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