You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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