i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
