You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
