Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
