mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
