I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
