He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
