Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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