apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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